Alone

Okay, so sorry to bore you all but I've pent up these feelings all day and now I felt the need to be a little self-indulgent, and this'll probably come across as really selfish and stupid and petty and stuff, but whatever. Right now, I don't really care.

I... feel alone. I feel like this often. It comes, bums me out for a while then it either just goes away or I get over it and make myself not feel alone for a while until it comes back again. I find it often comes back when I'm feeling particularly hormonal (oh, what a surprise). I mean, I know I'm not alone. I have 2 housemates downstairs as I speak. But... there are times, even when there are other people around, that I feel alone and left out, not included. And I don't think that it's ever really intended or anything (at least I hope not...) but it happens. Sometimes it's small things, like... when 2 of my housemates will go into one of their rooms or the living room or whatever and just push the door to, even when I'm in the next room or in the corridor, as if to say they want to hang out with each other but I'm not allowed to be included. And I know this sounds selfish, and I don't want or need to be included all the time, but still... it happens, and I felt left out and alone...

And then sometimes, my friends will arrange to do stuff together. And it might just be two of them, which is completely fine, but sometimes it might be a big group of my friends. And yes, it's okay for them to get together without me, but at the same time it hurts when like, all my friends get together for a coffee, or a film or to go shopping or just do something, and they all go and I'm not invited, or I seem to be invited as a last minute thing 'cos they've realised or at least one person's realised and feels bad. I don't have a problem with people hanging out without me, that's not the issue... well, okay, it kinda is... but it's just the frequency with which people seem to make plans together without me sometimes makes me feel alone... and sometimes I wonder why it can't be who's always making plans with other people... whether it's in a big group of people or it's just me and one other person...

People have said to me before to just 'invite myself' or that I'm 'free to just tag along' to things or whatever. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like I have to be invited, and if I'm not invited them I'm not welcome, and if I do try just tagging along then I'm intruding and I'm not really wanted. Is that crazy? Is that just me being stupid?

I hate feeling like this. I know I should just get over myself and try and include myself more just say that I want to be included or whatever, but I can't get past this feeling that I'm not being included because they don't want to include me. Which is such a horrid thought really...

I hate feeling like this. I feel the same way I did, oh, 6 years or so ago, when I was depressed... and I don't like feeling this way again. I don't feel as bad as I did back then, I'm not depressed right now. But I had similar thoughts and feelings back then and it all just brings it back, and I guess makes it worse now 'cos those feelings are brought up again...

I'm probably being stupid... ... ...